allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
