i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
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