I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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