How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
