life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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