So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
