You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
