I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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