oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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