Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
