we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
