so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
