Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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