There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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