tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
