We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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