i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
