what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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