woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
