Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
