Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
