just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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