I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
