When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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