Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
