I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
