eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I think i got beer on your cat.
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