I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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