Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
