why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
