battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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