I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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