Even the bartender felt bad for me
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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