my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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