I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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