Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
