they need to just BURY HIM!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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