MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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