so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Randomize
