my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
