Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
