I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
