Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
