It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
