i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
