Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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