The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
