U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
