I hate all girls vehemently.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
