Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
