They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
