Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
