I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When are your genitals available?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
